Doubt

"The true measure of a runner isn't in time, but rather in the effort it took along the way." - Coach Jenny Hadfield, Ask Coach Jenny blog, Runner's World.com

The Kentucky Derby Marathon is a mere thirteen days away.  As I taper I have seven running days left; the longest of which is an eight miler the week before the marathon.  My training has been crap.  My heart just hasn't been in it and my runs have reflected that.  Aside from all of the normal day-to-day road blocks that have thrown themselves in front of my scheduled runs, I have also had to contend with my personal lack of motivation.  I have always been my own greatest enemy, and the last 14 weeks that bastard has been working overtime.

Yesterday's long run was the beginning of my taper: a scheduled 12 miles.  It was also another blow to my confidence for the KDF.  I woke up late and, feeling completely drained, battled with myself for hours over getting out and starting the run.  I finally forced myself out the door and to the park to begin my run around 1:30 P.M.  Temperatures were already in the 80's.  With only a few gels and nothing but water in my hydration belt, I had a sinking feeling that things weren't going to go well from the start.  With the first few steps I could already feel the pain in my knee and the stabbing pain of my strained lower abdominal.  But I came to run and I struggled through the first two miles, hoping that my body would loosen up and I could find my rhythm.  By mile three I realized that wasn't going to happen.  My legs felt like they were made of lead.  By mile four I knew that I was in trouble.  12 miles ended at 7.5.  I could have "slogged" through the other 4.5 miles, but I knew that I was risking injury if I did.  This was one time that I actually chose to listen to my body instead of pushing myself based on the belief that I somehow wasn't living up to my self-perceived tough guy image.

Logically I know, that as runners, we have good runs, bad runs, and runs that land somewhere in-between.  Yesterday's run was a shining example of a bad, bad run; one that, mentally, I didn't need to have with less than two weeks to go before the marathon.  I could look to a variety of causes for the horrible performance or try to assign blame to things such as temperature, nutrition (or lack thereof - I hadn't eaten before setting out), or a vengeful god who thought that a consistent head wind was a pretty funny way of getting back at me for the thousand or so heresies that I'm sure I've committed this week alone.  Regardless, it was the equivalent of a painful punch to the arm of my confidence.

Marathon training isn't something to be taken lightly.  I have a friend who says, quite bluntly, that you can't half-ass marathon training.  There is some truth to that.  The mental and emotional forging is also something that absolutely can not be ignored.  For those, like myself, who train solo, the hours spent alone during training runs bring you face-to-face with demons that you could never have anticipated, or perhaps would never have otherwise known.  As Corey Queen very poignantly observes in his blog Fatherverse, "...this is when you feel most alone amongst everyone you know, because no one else is going through this..."  [You can read the entirety of Corey's post concerning his own marathon training here.]  Those who have not properly prepared for the physical and mental challenge are most certainly setting themselves up for potentially catastrophic failure.

And so a sliver of doubt has embedded itself in the back of my mind.  Mentally I have faced trials that outweigh marathons.  The will - the fortitude - to push myself to my limits and beyond exist without question.  What is lacking is my desire, and the lack of confidence in my physical preparation gives me pause.  One too many weekly runs missed.  Too many long training runs that just lacked a solid feel.  Aches and pains, that in other times would seem negligible, threaten to become difficult to ignore. These are things that only those who have pushed the distance can understand.  Come marathon day, I will need to have made peace with all of these things; putting faith in what training I have done since January's 26.2 will be enough to carry me through.  It will have to be.  Because in my tough guy world there is no such thing as Did Not Finish.