Exhaustion and Irritation

Exhaustion and irritation go hand-in-hand.  When one first shows up it is almost guaranteed that the other will not be far behind.  Sometimes they walk in together like the proverbial bull in a china shop.  Other times they sneak in quietly like a team of malicious ninja.  And yes "ninja" is the proper plural form of, well, "ninja".

The point is, I've been trying for two f'ing days to write about my experience at the Kentucky Derby Festival Marathon.  What I've written has become more of a damned chronicle than a blog post, but as I try to formulate my thoughts, do some editing, or get out everything that is swirling inside of my head regarding the race, something or someone jumps in to completely disrupt my work.  By the end of the day I am so completely burned out from the demands that have been systematically made of me that I don't have anything else left for me.

And speaking of work, going back on the job today didn't help things either.  Everything is piled up and the case files just keep coming.  And there is no support.  Guys who aren't in specialized units think that those of us who get to wear the cool pants are golden boys who have it made.  But at the end of the day they get to tune out, turn off and go home to their families.  While we get to go home and sleep next to a phone that we pray doesn't ring, but invariably does.  What's more, if it isn't the bastards in one place coming to me for their own selfish needs, then it is the emotional terrorists in other places who threaten to make your life a living hell because you aren't behaving the way that they have scripted.

Not a single person who surrounds me understands what happened this weekend.  They see the medal and they comment nicely on it, but they don't really, truly appreciate it.  They can't.  They didn't suffer through the mileage during long, isolated hours of training runs.  They didn't push themselves to the point of pain and beyond.  They have no idea what kind of mental and emotional hurdles that you have to clear just to be able to commit to putting yourself through that kind of trial.  Only the ones who have can and they are very few and far between.

Likewise, the marathon and my job are very much alike.  Unless you have done it, you can't understand what it takes to do it or the satisfaction that comes from having done it.  Nor can you appreciate the things that it also takes from you.  But that is the nature of both beasts.  They compliment, drive, feed, and help balance the other.  Like exhaustion and irritation, running and my career go hand-in-hand.